I felt so sick this morning.
The truth is...after having about 8 hours to digest where my "pain" has been coming from, I realize that a series of events have brought me to my current place of pain. But as is true with all things, the past does repeat itself and there is really nothing new under the sun.
I actually truly believe that time is linear, time is an illusion...all that stuff that Einstein talked about. Basically, that we experience everything at the same time, all at once. So when people say cliché things like "Forget the past", and "The past is behind you", I actually don't subscribe to that way of thinking. In reality we magnetize experiences to us, so unless we can truly, deeply and honestly convince our MINDS to believe that something happened and now it will not happen again, then we will likely experience it again...and again...and again...
LESSONS
All of these situations are lessons to teach us to be brave and fight on. INDIGO people...born round the time I was born, were brought to earth to rebel from the common threads of life. In doing so we commonly experience that "outsider" feeling...that depression. The Lifesyles and Circumstances that would make other people very pleased and very happy, do not appeal to me on a deep level. I mean...yes, I want some things...and I like material stuff...but it's more than that. I believe Robin Williams was Indigo.
TRAUMA
Lessons are learned through a series of situations...traumas...turmoil...loss. Lessons always come with a price. But they are needed for soul growth.
Today I woke up unable to feel well. I won't get into the symptoms. Let's just say my body was riddled with them- everything from aches and pains to headache and eye tension to nausea, vomiting and more unpleasantries of the gastric nature.
REALIZATION
Then about an hour ago I remembered a conversation that took place in the last 24 hours. It was something that had upset me but I decided to 'STUFF" it waaaaaaaaay down. But when it creeped up into my current thoughts a short time ago, I did a quick Medical Search under my Tufts Medical Page list of medical illnesses. I researched "Depression". I know I am depressed...I have been diagnosed and started a course of treatment. Deep down I am AGAINST medicines so I conveniently let the prescription lapse and have not had a medical plan to see the Counselor. I am like an alcoholic who has fallen off the wagon, so to speak. I am a Depressed person who has stopped treating the depression.
CHANGES
So many changes lately...have shaken my core. I feel insecure and still moving forward but just barely. So many changes making me feel weakened, and disempowered. I am truly feeling tired, drained and exhausted. But today I was physically sick. So I knew something else had happened. It was more than the constant fights with my teen daughter. It was more than the changes in my new home environment. It was more than adapting to new Job pressures. No...it was something else.
TRIGGERS
If you have never heard of a "trigger"...well, first of all I would be very surprised! But secondly, you may not be sure what exactly a trigger is or how it works. I like to think of trigger as that flick of the finger against a chain of stacked Dominos. Once you knock the first stone into the second stone, it begins to rapidly affect the others until, in a matter of seconds, all are fallen from their upright place. I say it like this because there is something about that "reaction" which is so instantaneous and so crippling that it wipes out everything in it's path. Apply the concept now to an emotional experience. The trigger in my case was a word. The word was followed by an explanation of it's meaning. In a moment I had made a deep emotional connection with this word and how it had affected me 16 years ago...10 years ago...7 years ago....4 years ago...3 years ago...etc, etc. I saw many moments flash before my eyes. I hid my sad feeling. I hid it fast. But it did not stay down for long.
AWAKENING
Awakening is a spiritual concept that describes a point where the Spirit comes alive to new understandings or beliefs. I have had a few awakenings in my 40 years. But this morning I awoke feeling awful. I slept poorly. I had awaken in the middle of the night and snacked...a habit I had broken many, many years ago and here I was poking around my kitchen at 2am. I overslept through the alarm. I felt groggy and moody and sad. Then came some more intense physical symptoms that rendered me unable to get dressed because I had to deal with the disruptive symptoms. Then the inevitable dragging myself to my job because I had no choice but to go. So how was this a spiritual awakening? 8 hours later...I understood what had just happened to me. I LITERALLY had a PTSD experience. PTSD is a condition most commonly associated with Post War Vets who cannot forget the terrible things they experienced while oversees. But sometimes, those of us who have never been to war in another country, have PTSD too. We have it because the war was on the homefront...literally. I am referring to Intimate Violence, Family Violence, Child Abuse, Domestic Abuse, neglect. It saddens me to say....this is me. This is what I have been through and these are the wounds. These are the re-awakening moments.
MOVING ON
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the most logical way to improve if you suffer with this as I do. I have not seen my Counselor in a while, but now I see how that was a mistake. Unless I can discuss these situations as they come up, I am left struggling my way through them and attempting to TRY and behave differently than I did in the past. But PROGRAMMING is the great tool of the CONTROLLERS. What and who controls? Lots of things. It could be a church(Cult). It could be Parents or a spouse or even the kids! In my case...each one that I mentioned have played a role in contributing to my PTSD and Depression. But realizing it, recognizing it, identifying it and calling it out by it's name...Well THAT is taking back the power.
NOW
So now...living in the now moment...I can actually breathe for the first time without struggling today. How POWERFUL is our mind! How powerful? We MANIFEST all the time. That starts with the thoughts...which become the things...which make up our lives. Think Well.
AngelMarie
