Good Morning Bloggers!
Isn't today a wonderful day to start over?
I bet everyone who reads this can think of an area of life where they could really use a "do over". Some of us have started a diet or weight loss endeavor for the new year and need to start over. That is pretty common. But what about in our professional or personal lives? What areas are you in need of either a complete overhaul or a little bit of tweaking? In some cases, we need an intervention- like a spiritual one!
Well my blog is always about Love...the great force. The reason we are all here...our Divine Purpose. I knew a long time ago that I was looking for a Life Partner (husband). I knew this person would have a Divine calling (like me) and I knew that the moment I met him, something inside would tell me that he was the one. I have a had a few "he's the one" experiences. The beauty of these is that I learned. I experienced life, I grew...I matured...I bounced back when it did not work. It's easy to do that when you have support. So the first thing you want to know about the magic of LOVE (real Love)...is make sure you go out and share your love with everyone because when you do, that Divine Partner will be drawn to you like a magnet.
I guess I am a little bit more traditional about some things then I really knew. It's ok if we are still getting to know ourselves...even at age 39.
I am traditional. I believe in marriage. I believe in a healthy and stable family structure and social structure. I believe in people creating community and being part of a circle of friends. I finally feel I have a really stable friendship circle. It is helping me to thrive. I am thankful everyday for this and for the friend who brought it to me and helped me grow it. She and I both value these relationships, but she taught me it was ok to trust boys and let them in. I showed her that women can be like boys...they can be trusted friends. So now we are like the Brady Bunch, a blended amalgam of characters.
My friend, we will call her Anne Shirley. Anne and I are helping people in our own unique way and those people help other people. This what we envisioned so many years ago when we began to reach out and offer love and help. I think we were both very surprised when help, and other people...reached back! We were like, wow~people care!
More women and men joined our circle and now we are blessed.
Partners
Partners are everywhere. The word has many suggestions. Is this a business partner? A work partner? A gym or exercise Partner? A same-sex partner? A lover partner? We do have many. I have been searching for my Divine Partner. I thought I had fond the one and so I moved forward to create a life with them. Here is my story, so you can know...and this is very abbreviated:
I changed my life so I could live with him and work toward marriage. I expected engagement within the year, a wedding by the end of the year and a baby on the way shortly after. I am almost 40, so no time to lose here. When it's the one, it's right...so move on it. It wasn't right. How did I know? Simple- Discovery. I lived it. It felt "off"...I kept going...a year passed...more than a year passed....it was still "off". My beloved seemed to be slowing down, holding back, apprehensive, lost excitement toward what we were growing, he complained a lot that I needed to fix certain aspects of my inner self before we could get to engagement, marriage and a future. Events have a way of waking people. I stopped and thought, "ok, hold on here. The reason I came to live with this man is only because I saw him as THE one...no doubt at all. We were destined for this".... and now, he is saying he is not sure about me.
There are two sides to things...it was not just him. One my side of things, there was a feeling of being disconnected all the time. I always felt disconnected from him, disconnected from the home we were living in and the pets we called "ours" and the bank acct "we" shared. Little problems would arise and we seemed to not have the tools to manage to work through it. It seemed like everyday was a battle to do simple things and so the bigger goals were not even a possibility. If getting through the day was hard, there is no time or energy to move toward bigger goals.
These are what I like to refer to as "signs". I am a big believer in signs and signals and messages on the spirit level. I am a Sensitive (a sensi, my friend Steve calls it). I am a special person with gifts that tap into the spirit world and then I attempt to help people make connections between what they are experiencing in life and what is on the "other side" so to speak. So when these situations began happening, I began to hide from myself and my circle of friends. as a Leo I cannot handle that I have made a wrong choice. Admitting failure? No way.
There is a light at the end of that sad story trip we went on there...Love cannot be hidden. It shines like the brightest light in the Existence. It will not be held back from sight. People have always told me that I wear my heart on my sleeve. My LOVE is out there...always present and visible. People see it and feel it. My love is for everyone, but especially bright for my Divine Partner. I like that I have spontaneously changed terminology here. I have always referred to him as my Twin Flame (TF). Suddenly, in this blog I have begun using the term Divine Partner (DP). I like it.
The only thing to do is start over. Create a new space for Love and believe it is there. For example, I spent many nights at home, feeling sad and disconnected from everyone becase I didn't want my friends to see I was failing at my Love relationship. So I turned down every offer to go out, every engagement. Things would come up and I would sometimes go, sometimes not...depended on where me and my Boyfriend were at. The relationship had become like the typical worldly kind and not at all like a Spiritual relationship where the two people were going to inspire others to have that same kind of great love! We didn't have a great love. We were fighting all the time and I was withdrawing.
I finally accepted a friend's invitation to go to a hockey game. I remember it being hard to push myself to go, preferring to stay home and pine away watching Twilight. It seemed that from the moment I made a proactive decision, miracles started happening. that night another girl friend of mine also last minte decided to attend. We spent the evening bonding and laughing and we all had so mch fn. Having been accepted into a new little social circle, my invitations to more things happened and these events ended up being a blast! I began to feel better. New friends began to check on me too and make sre I was taking better care of myself, becase I had not been. Soon, when a crisis happened, a had help.
It's very amazing how new friends can feel like old friends who have known yo forever. I am going to observe that maybe we have traveled together in some way in a past life? maybe we came here for a Divine calling? Maybe we are together for a reason? 11:11
I am starting over at the root of Love....and this root is healthy.
Love everyone and Be Blessed,
Lilac
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Monday, March 10, 2014
I am not all THAT different
Good morning Bloggers!
I hope everyone is "waking up" this morning, because that would be amazing!
I started my day with fresh eyes and a new a heart. By the way, my chicken wrap was delicious yesterday and stopping by Subway allowed me to meet and affect another nice girl, a nice soul. I hope she remembers my advice to seek the spiritual guidance she was thinking of seeking.
That is the best advice anyone can give or take.
Being different is a gift.
There is more than one way to differentiate yourself and that is not what I mean by being different anyway. What I mean is not mainstream...like most humans are. I read this wonderful quote posted on facebook a few weeks ago. It was Zig Ziglar's page and it basically said something along the lines of ,
"the world doesn't need more successful people. There are lots of those. What the world needs is people who are kind and compassionate and willing to love others and help people along their path".
That is major paraphrasing, but hey- I have a knack with words so it should work. That phrase made a huge impact on me. It was like the words themselves acted like a mental chiropractor for me and just instantly adjusted what was misaligned in my brain or my heart.
Let's face it, we all desire success. But the differences appear not in the attainment of the success, but in the HOW we get there part. I ma a professional. I work in a very demanding industry overpowered by results. I have never ever been results-oriented so right there I am feeling the pressure. But I decided that no matter the result, I will still proclaim my goals, work hard and learn, and pursue the goal using the methods that underscore the belief system upon which I live my life. That belief system is summed up well in the above phrase.
I happen to believe that I am here to teach the world about LOVE. One way that I can and do, and that I share it...is by writing. I write this blog.
So love each other. Go out there today and think about what you have to offer and then share it.
Love one another and Be Blessed,
Lilac
I hope everyone is "waking up" this morning, because that would be amazing!
I started my day with fresh eyes and a new a heart. By the way, my chicken wrap was delicious yesterday and stopping by Subway allowed me to meet and affect another nice girl, a nice soul. I hope she remembers my advice to seek the spiritual guidance she was thinking of seeking.
That is the best advice anyone can give or take.
Being different is a gift.
There is more than one way to differentiate yourself and that is not what I mean by being different anyway. What I mean is not mainstream...like most humans are. I read this wonderful quote posted on facebook a few weeks ago. It was Zig Ziglar's page and it basically said something along the lines of ,
"the world doesn't need more successful people. There are lots of those. What the world needs is people who are kind and compassionate and willing to love others and help people along their path".
That is major paraphrasing, but hey- I have a knack with words so it should work. That phrase made a huge impact on me. It was like the words themselves acted like a mental chiropractor for me and just instantly adjusted what was misaligned in my brain or my heart.
Let's face it, we all desire success. But the differences appear not in the attainment of the success, but in the HOW we get there part. I ma a professional. I work in a very demanding industry overpowered by results. I have never ever been results-oriented so right there I am feeling the pressure. But I decided that no matter the result, I will still proclaim my goals, work hard and learn, and pursue the goal using the methods that underscore the belief system upon which I live my life. That belief system is summed up well in the above phrase.
I happen to believe that I am here to teach the world about LOVE. One way that I can and do, and that I share it...is by writing. I write this blog.
So love each other. Go out there today and think about what you have to offer and then share it.
Love one another and Be Blessed,
Lilac
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Eclipse and Saga
Hi bloggers!
I am not sure if I have exhausted all I would like to say about Eclipses. The idea of a saga or drama, comes from a conversation with my child from earlier today.
She said that she wants a life without all the 'drama'. It kind of made me laugh because as a 12 year old girl, she is always embedded in drama. For her to say this was confusing for me at first. I understand people wanting some peace and no drama...no saga....no series of unpredictable eruptions by trusted adults or good friends. I told her at that moment about how she is always the one bound by the latest drama. She could not deny it so she simply said nothing. I mean everyday to a 12 year old girl is sort of a drama.
Anyway, I cannot say she is not also correct in pointing out that problems at home, that she sees between the trusted adults in her life, are not contributing to her stress. We DO and we are contributing to that. It's very difficult to LOVE your children the right way when you are not experiencing a healthy loving adult relationship and they are seeing that. It's kind of like being on stage doing a performance for an audience. But instead of having practiced ahead of time (out of sight of the audience, who would have no way of knowing that you were incompetent at doing something until it was rehearsed a thousand times), you must improv it all. That is kind of what parenting is like. So a little preparation for the role goes a long way.
I wasn't sure what this blog would be about exactly...I often improvise my writing. Actually, I ALWAYS improvise my writing and I publish immediately, most times without so much as a spell check. I do that because I like to capture the authentic thoughts-good, bad or otherwise. I feel they show the truth about a person. My conversation with Annika was also spontaneous and born from frustration and anger and a temper tantrum and a fight! She was fighting with her brother and I was trying to have a very brief conversation with my mother. I had to hang up with my mother, noting that my children were demanding my attention to the point of being disruptive of a conversation I was attempting to have. She was laughing (which I did not appreciate)...she said she knew how it felt because she had four kids once. I guess I needed to chuckle a bit. It's surreal to whine at your mother because your kids are driving you crazy. It's funny because life is circular. One day Annika may call me and have the same experience! Although she claims she will not be having children, so who knows!
Anyway, this is my Love Blog, and who do I love the way I love my children, right? So let's talk about that. So Annika was completely a mess. Now at this point, my mother was telling me something that actually connected to Annika and her (Annika's) feelings about her school and the future of what school she would be attending. So the more ironic part was that I was talking with my own Mom about Annika and trying to gain understanding of what might have been said that was now contributing to her feelings that were then presenting themselves. Anyway...that might not have made sense to some of you. That makes me laugh.
Ok, so let's try and make sense so that people will read my blogs, shall we?
I talked with Annika for 2 hours. It started with me being on the phone for like 10 minutes with my own mother, and being interrupted from the conversation by my children bickering over who was holding the Wii Controller. Next came me attempting to continue the conversation with my own mom while managing the dispute. I got very upset at my daughter rolling her eyes, yelling back at me and stomping around throwing things. I heard her almost break a bowl. I knew I needed to address what was happening here at home. I let my mom go. I made Annika come sit with me on my bed. I knew that the root of whatever was bothering her was not really about the dispute over the Controller.
It took a long time of trying different "ways in" to get into her thoughts and get her to open up and start sharing. I think some parents give up easily. But because I have always had a very deep and close relationship with Annika, I HAD to find a way in. I HAD to. I cannot stand to feel separated from her and I know it hurts her too. Annika is like my little soul mate. Anyway, we finally did get to that heart to heart connecting. It scared me because it took so long that I thought we would never get there! I was really worried. When I feel worried like that I often ask Archangel Michael to open the path and help me. So far, every time I have called, he has answered. That's a pretty good relationship too.
As for what was really eating my little angel...it wasn't as bad as I thought. She just wants people to acknowledge her for her maturity and not try and keep her "out" of stuff that she is actually capable of "handling". It's a delicate thing (and I explained this to her)...adults DO need to protect young innocent kids from worrying. We do that by analyzing whether the problem can be resolved without them knowing the full depth of it, so as to avoid unnecessary stress. I helped her to understand that some people are better at managing stressful situations then others and that is ok. I also showed her how adult maturity and teen maturity are still WAY different things. For example, as adults who have repeatedly experienced and lived through things, we can see that something will work out ok, whereas a child or teen may be so overwhelmed by something they cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Parents protect their kids from having too many things to worry about.
I sort of felt bad at saying that to her because the truth is, I don't feel I have been doing a very good job at protecting her from that.
My friend Lori recently told me, "we are only human"...and she said this to me after I confessed not being the best example as a mom and yelling and hollering at the other grown up in the house. It helped me to have been forgiven so quickly by someone else. To have her hear about my ugliness and just tell me, "it's ok...you can do better and you will do better. Forgive yourself".
There it is folks- forgive yourself. Love yourself. We do it for others all the time, don't we? So why would it be hard to do it to ourselves and for ourselves?
I guess the only answer is that it shouldn't be.
Moving forward with our day was very fluid after the talk she and I had. We were feeling separated from each other over some problems that were happening in both of our lives. But after we talked a while, that distance grew closer and we saw our sameness and our differentness but we felt closer regardless.
So the saga may continue, because life is full of diversions and intrigues. But don't forget about the eclipses which cause the lines to be blurred and emotions to run high. Breathe deeply and persevere, like we are doing!
~Namaste
Lilac
I am not sure if I have exhausted all I would like to say about Eclipses. The idea of a saga or drama, comes from a conversation with my child from earlier today.
She said that she wants a life without all the 'drama'. It kind of made me laugh because as a 12 year old girl, she is always embedded in drama. For her to say this was confusing for me at first. I understand people wanting some peace and no drama...no saga....no series of unpredictable eruptions by trusted adults or good friends. I told her at that moment about how she is always the one bound by the latest drama. She could not deny it so she simply said nothing. I mean everyday to a 12 year old girl is sort of a drama.
Anyway, I cannot say she is not also correct in pointing out that problems at home, that she sees between the trusted adults in her life, are not contributing to her stress. We DO and we are contributing to that. It's very difficult to LOVE your children the right way when you are not experiencing a healthy loving adult relationship and they are seeing that. It's kind of like being on stage doing a performance for an audience. But instead of having practiced ahead of time (out of sight of the audience, who would have no way of knowing that you were incompetent at doing something until it was rehearsed a thousand times), you must improv it all. That is kind of what parenting is like. So a little preparation for the role goes a long way.
I wasn't sure what this blog would be about exactly...I often improvise my writing. Actually, I ALWAYS improvise my writing and I publish immediately, most times without so much as a spell check. I do that because I like to capture the authentic thoughts-good, bad or otherwise. I feel they show the truth about a person. My conversation with Annika was also spontaneous and born from frustration and anger and a temper tantrum and a fight! She was fighting with her brother and I was trying to have a very brief conversation with my mother. I had to hang up with my mother, noting that my children were demanding my attention to the point of being disruptive of a conversation I was attempting to have. She was laughing (which I did not appreciate)...she said she knew how it felt because she had four kids once. I guess I needed to chuckle a bit. It's surreal to whine at your mother because your kids are driving you crazy. It's funny because life is circular. One day Annika may call me and have the same experience! Although she claims she will not be having children, so who knows!
Anyway, this is my Love Blog, and who do I love the way I love my children, right? So let's talk about that. So Annika was completely a mess. Now at this point, my mother was telling me something that actually connected to Annika and her (Annika's) feelings about her school and the future of what school she would be attending. So the more ironic part was that I was talking with my own Mom about Annika and trying to gain understanding of what might have been said that was now contributing to her feelings that were then presenting themselves. Anyway...that might not have made sense to some of you. That makes me laugh.
Ok, so let's try and make sense so that people will read my blogs, shall we?
I talked with Annika for 2 hours. It started with me being on the phone for like 10 minutes with my own mother, and being interrupted from the conversation by my children bickering over who was holding the Wii Controller. Next came me attempting to continue the conversation with my own mom while managing the dispute. I got very upset at my daughter rolling her eyes, yelling back at me and stomping around throwing things. I heard her almost break a bowl. I knew I needed to address what was happening here at home. I let my mom go. I made Annika come sit with me on my bed. I knew that the root of whatever was bothering her was not really about the dispute over the Controller.
It took a long time of trying different "ways in" to get into her thoughts and get her to open up and start sharing. I think some parents give up easily. But because I have always had a very deep and close relationship with Annika, I HAD to find a way in. I HAD to. I cannot stand to feel separated from her and I know it hurts her too. Annika is like my little soul mate. Anyway, we finally did get to that heart to heart connecting. It scared me because it took so long that I thought we would never get there! I was really worried. When I feel worried like that I often ask Archangel Michael to open the path and help me. So far, every time I have called, he has answered. That's a pretty good relationship too.
As for what was really eating my little angel...it wasn't as bad as I thought. She just wants people to acknowledge her for her maturity and not try and keep her "out" of stuff that she is actually capable of "handling". It's a delicate thing (and I explained this to her)...adults DO need to protect young innocent kids from worrying. We do that by analyzing whether the problem can be resolved without them knowing the full depth of it, so as to avoid unnecessary stress. I helped her to understand that some people are better at managing stressful situations then others and that is ok. I also showed her how adult maturity and teen maturity are still WAY different things. For example, as adults who have repeatedly experienced and lived through things, we can see that something will work out ok, whereas a child or teen may be so overwhelmed by something they cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. Parents protect their kids from having too many things to worry about.
I sort of felt bad at saying that to her because the truth is, I don't feel I have been doing a very good job at protecting her from that.
My friend Lori recently told me, "we are only human"...and she said this to me after I confessed not being the best example as a mom and yelling and hollering at the other grown up in the house. It helped me to have been forgiven so quickly by someone else. To have her hear about my ugliness and just tell me, "it's ok...you can do better and you will do better. Forgive yourself".
There it is folks- forgive yourself. Love yourself. We do it for others all the time, don't we? So why would it be hard to do it to ourselves and for ourselves?
I guess the only answer is that it shouldn't be.
Moving forward with our day was very fluid after the talk she and I had. We were feeling separated from each other over some problems that were happening in both of our lives. But after we talked a while, that distance grew closer and we saw our sameness and our differentness but we felt closer regardless.
So the saga may continue, because life is full of diversions and intrigues. But don't forget about the eclipses which cause the lines to be blurred and emotions to run high. Breathe deeply and persevere, like we are doing!
~Namaste
Lilac
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Eclipse and Reconnect
Definition of "Eclipse" :
(of a celestial body) obscure the light from or to (another celestial body).
Good Morning Bloggers,
Welcome to a new Day. Each day is precious. When my eyes open, I feel thankful.
When an Eclipse occurs, Celestial bodies are obscured from view of others. It's the epitome of "walking through the darkness or the moonlight". When things (when truth) is obscured, feelings may not be real, and life feels heavy. Eclipses are phases and they are real. When an eclipse occurs, we walk like semi-blind people through a fog of light and emotion. We feel separated from our Source (God) or our Spirit...or our Light. But the Truth is that although our eyes cannot see the other Celestial Bodies or the Light, it is actually still there. Our feelings and beliefs of separation are the only truth known to us at that time. But if we seek a deeper connection to our Source and to Light, we can be Certain and Confident that we are always connected. We can KNOW with Certainty. This is how we can then reconnect.
So why do it?
Why should you reconnect to your Light when you find yourself in this dark eclipse period of life? I have chosen to write about this as we have eclipses coming...real actual eclipses. And much like my philosophical picture above, you WILL feel as though you are walking through the darkness disconnected from your Light. If you do not know who or what to believe in, you may suffer as you wander through the dimness of the eclipse period. For this reason, I encourage you to dig deep and persevere this.
This is my Love Blog, so of course, this connects to the theme of romantic love.
For me, Love has proven itself to be this passionate, unpredictable journey. I have always felt the presence of Love near me...of someone near me. Then one day I just "had" the understanding of the meaning of 11:11. I had the knowledge of the Twin Flame connection. It occurred to me as a flash, and instant of knowing. It struck me so instantly and intensely. There was a flash of light and then the thoughts and information were just "there" in my mind. It was as if they were instantly "downloaded" into my mind. I stood there completely dumbfounded. For a while I remained somewhat perplexed because I thought that I was supposed to be connected with a person I knew then...because they were there.
As my understanding of Twin Flames (TF) expanded, I grew in my wisdom - and the knowledge came to exist in my heart. The feelings and the extra sensory understanding also evolved. My evolution in this way has always been guiding me. Through many eclipses, I have persevered and continued to grow in this knowledge and understanding. So here I stand, March 2014. Eclipse season beginning for the year...very soon. It will be dark times for many. But once through it, the Light will shine brighter-brightest!
How do I know?
Before my evolution and awakening about this began, prior to 2012, I could still track my experiences. They began in childhood. My "knowing" things...my stumbling around in darkness, and most importantly, my being completely deceived by false people and false situations-situations that resembled what was coming for me that was good, but while NOT being the True calling or the True ONE person I was supposed to be with on the ONE path. How do I know there is one? I just know. The funny thing is we find many on the path to the one and this too is pre-ordained. I believe people can love more than one person at a time. I believe they can have a variety of experiences that have good and bad in them. I know for a fact that when you are with the right one, your life changes in tremendous ways. I also believe that everything is predestined.
It started when I was around 9 or 10 years old. There was an incident that I would call a childhood trauma and then what followed was the birth of my emotional esp about this "other part of me" who was separated from me and was always there...sort of like an imaginary friend. I didn't actually think this person was there...it was more of a knowing that they were going to be someday and that they were already out there somewhere living their life and getting ready for me. I did not know how or when I would find them and we would be brought together. The other thing was that I would talk to this "other person" and share my hopes and dreams with them. When I look back upon those memories and consider my innocence at the time, I can more easily recognize certain very important, vital and crucial elements- like for example, how the "relationship felt" or the tenderness of the words we shared. I can still recall in vivid detail those type of things and they are the thoughts that have emerged recently from my deep consciousness up to my lucid awareness. This all began happening because I started to feel these things again...newly...with another person. It is so beautiful. Reconnecting with The One...your true Path...That would depend upon spiritual preparedness and readiness. That can take a lifetime. Some people will never achieve it.
Our love, here on the planet...our Group consciousness...is in need of major lifting. I happen to feel strongly that Lovers who come together to serve a greater purpose on this planet and unite humanity, are applauded by the angels. I feel that our coming together is also divinely created and serves to offer us hope, as we can then offer hope to others- to many others! I want that kind of calling.
Don't you?
~Love others and BE BLESSED~
Lilac
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Why fall in Love?
Good morning Bloggers.
My heart has been heavy. Love (my love life)- has truly let me down and left me disappointed.
I always have opportunities for love. I am charming and outgoing. I am also a very devoted partner....devoted to a fault. When I fall in Love, I fall hard. I don't fall fast, but I do fall hard.
Lilac here- AngelMarie- I have allowed many things to exist in my love experience and they have caused me to have a broken vision for what it feels like to be truly loved or in love. What we allow, and what we stop show people what our boundaries are. Boundaries are important. Just feeling love for someone, is NOT enough... And there is one other thing to know about creating a life with a man or a partner. You must have a common vision for your life, or no amount of loving each other will keep it together.
I always think of Dolly Parton. She is dynamically outgoing. Her husband is a quiet, reclusive type of man. You never see them out and about together. They must have love...they have been together so long! Dolly never lets things prevent her from creating new opportunities or delving into new experiences or even from being in the spotlight! But the fact that her husband is never there has always disturbed me.
This disturbs me because it pokes at my value system. I envision this comraderie...this dynamic duo. That is the kind of husband I would want to have...if I ever were to be married.
I thought I found that recently. But years of being together have shown me how painfully slowly developments can and will (or will not) happen if only one person wants them and the other is afraid to move or to act.
I need to talk about this. I know talking about this could cause to hurt the man I Love, but I need to talk about it. Writing this Blog...writing these things (about these topics), was the one thing that truly made me happy.
He also needs to talk about it. No one wants to be a spectacle, but we all experience similar situations and I for one have had to set up certain safety nets for me because of having previously been in so many abusive/neglectful relationships, starting as a child. So I KNOW, with certainty- that I cannot simply isolate myself and figure out my own problems and experiences. I need my own inner wisdom as a guide, yes...that I do... and I use it. But I need my extended community of friends and family.
I moved in with my boyfriend in November 2012, so a year and 3 months ago. We had been a couple for about 3 months (physically), but had been developing the relationship consistently for several months prior via email/text/phone and Skype. We knew each other and had a foundation. Years ago we had laid that foundation too and life tore us apart from each other then. We found that a second chance would come to us.
I believed this man was my Twin Flame and my perfect partner, and so I knew with no doubt in my mind whatsoever, that we would work out any and all challenges together. I had a vision of us teaching and guiding friends and new people in our lives...helping them find success on their paths through friendship and through sharing kabbalistic teachings. We were able to touch a few people. In time, it all faded. People in my world felt my Partner was overbearing and demanding. They felt he talked at them and not with them. My kids had the same complaint. He had started out fun but had become something else. He and I bickered over nearly every decision we needed to make for the home and family.
I was experiencing the same feelings of being "spoken at" or controlled or told how to do something...even told that my way of thinking of things was not the right or best way. I felt I had to obey and follow directions. I spent much of my time in denial about what I could see already as a controlling partner. He has such a big gentle heart, that I knew without a doubt it was me bringing this ugly side out of him. I must be overbearing and controlling and he is fighting back!
How could I be wrong about him or about us? I KNOW what I felt...what I feel...what I KNOW to be true! How can I be wrong?
I would spend many more days, nights...weekends of fights...weeks of coldness in the house and around my kids. What was I teaching them now? We had gone from being the couple who were going to show others "The Way"...to being the couple who were not on the marriage track. That was taken off the table early on by my partner. We were not on the "having another baby" track. That was also taken off the table by my partner. We were not managing our money or our physical living environment in a way that produced good results for us to function better. But worst of all...we had become a terrible example for my children. This was not what I had wanted or expected.
My boyfriend loves me in his own way and he will never voluntarily give me up. He will stay and suffer until the end of his life for me. But I cannot do that....which leaves me asking the question, "do I not love people enough?" . I mean...if I am not willing to look at all the bad things and still stay and be loving and give more and try more...am I lacking in love? What does this say about who I am and what kind of heart I have? I feel broken everywhere inside of me. My mind feels tired and confused. My heart is aching for my loss...my lost love. And my soul has gone into Hermit phase...wandering the fields and valleys and hillsides searching for inspiration. I need my soul to come back to my body and stay with me and guide me. I need my Angels to pour merciful energy on me and lift my legs and feet...make me move again. I feel myself dying and I have to keep pulling life back into me.
Is this what a broken heart feels like?
~Lilac
My heart has been heavy. Love (my love life)- has truly let me down and left me disappointed.
I always have opportunities for love. I am charming and outgoing. I am also a very devoted partner....devoted to a fault. When I fall in Love, I fall hard. I don't fall fast, but I do fall hard.
Lilac here- AngelMarie- I have allowed many things to exist in my love experience and they have caused me to have a broken vision for what it feels like to be truly loved or in love. What we allow, and what we stop show people what our boundaries are. Boundaries are important. Just feeling love for someone, is NOT enough... And there is one other thing to know about creating a life with a man or a partner. You must have a common vision for your life, or no amount of loving each other will keep it together.
I always think of Dolly Parton. She is dynamically outgoing. Her husband is a quiet, reclusive type of man. You never see them out and about together. They must have love...they have been together so long! Dolly never lets things prevent her from creating new opportunities or delving into new experiences or even from being in the spotlight! But the fact that her husband is never there has always disturbed me.
This disturbs me because it pokes at my value system. I envision this comraderie...this dynamic duo. That is the kind of husband I would want to have...if I ever were to be married.
I thought I found that recently. But years of being together have shown me how painfully slowly developments can and will (or will not) happen if only one person wants them and the other is afraid to move or to act.
I need to talk about this. I know talking about this could cause to hurt the man I Love, but I need to talk about it. Writing this Blog...writing these things (about these topics), was the one thing that truly made me happy.
He also needs to talk about it. No one wants to be a spectacle, but we all experience similar situations and I for one have had to set up certain safety nets for me because of having previously been in so many abusive/neglectful relationships, starting as a child. So I KNOW, with certainty- that I cannot simply isolate myself and figure out my own problems and experiences. I need my own inner wisdom as a guide, yes...that I do... and I use it. But I need my extended community of friends and family.
I moved in with my boyfriend in November 2012, so a year and 3 months ago. We had been a couple for about 3 months (physically), but had been developing the relationship consistently for several months prior via email/text/phone and Skype. We knew each other and had a foundation. Years ago we had laid that foundation too and life tore us apart from each other then. We found that a second chance would come to us.
I believed this man was my Twin Flame and my perfect partner, and so I knew with no doubt in my mind whatsoever, that we would work out any and all challenges together. I had a vision of us teaching and guiding friends and new people in our lives...helping them find success on their paths through friendship and through sharing kabbalistic teachings. We were able to touch a few people. In time, it all faded. People in my world felt my Partner was overbearing and demanding. They felt he talked at them and not with them. My kids had the same complaint. He had started out fun but had become something else. He and I bickered over nearly every decision we needed to make for the home and family.
I was experiencing the same feelings of being "spoken at" or controlled or told how to do something...even told that my way of thinking of things was not the right or best way. I felt I had to obey and follow directions. I spent much of my time in denial about what I could see already as a controlling partner. He has such a big gentle heart, that I knew without a doubt it was me bringing this ugly side out of him. I must be overbearing and controlling and he is fighting back!
How could I be wrong about him or about us? I KNOW what I felt...what I feel...what I KNOW to be true! How can I be wrong?
I would spend many more days, nights...weekends of fights...weeks of coldness in the house and around my kids. What was I teaching them now? We had gone from being the couple who were going to show others "The Way"...to being the couple who were not on the marriage track. That was taken off the table early on by my partner. We were not on the "having another baby" track. That was also taken off the table by my partner. We were not managing our money or our physical living environment in a way that produced good results for us to function better. But worst of all...we had become a terrible example for my children. This was not what I had wanted or expected.
My boyfriend loves me in his own way and he will never voluntarily give me up. He will stay and suffer until the end of his life for me. But I cannot do that....which leaves me asking the question, "do I not love people enough?" . I mean...if I am not willing to look at all the bad things and still stay and be loving and give more and try more...am I lacking in love? What does this say about who I am and what kind of heart I have? I feel broken everywhere inside of me. My mind feels tired and confused. My heart is aching for my loss...my lost love. And my soul has gone into Hermit phase...wandering the fields and valleys and hillsides searching for inspiration. I need my soul to come back to my body and stay with me and guide me. I need my Angels to pour merciful energy on me and lift my legs and feet...make me move again. I feel myself dying and I have to keep pulling life back into me.
Is this what a broken heart feels like?
~Lilac
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