Good morning Bloggers.
My heart has been heavy. Love (my love life)- has truly let me down and left me disappointed.
I always have opportunities for love. I am charming and outgoing. I am also a very devoted partner....devoted to a fault. When I fall in Love, I fall hard. I don't fall fast, but I do fall hard.
Lilac here- AngelMarie- I have allowed many things to exist in my love experience and they have caused me to have a broken vision for what it feels like to be truly loved or in love. What we allow, and what we stop show people what our boundaries are. Boundaries are important. Just feeling love for someone, is NOT enough... And there is one other thing to know about creating a life with a man or a partner. You must have a common vision for your life, or no amount of loving each other will keep it together.
I always think of Dolly Parton. She is dynamically outgoing. Her husband is a quiet, reclusive type of man. You never see them out and about together. They must have love...they have been together so long! Dolly never lets things prevent her from creating new opportunities or delving into new experiences or even from being in the spotlight! But the fact that her husband is never there has always disturbed me.
This disturbs me because it pokes at my value system. I envision this comraderie...this dynamic duo. That is the kind of husband I would want to have...if I ever were to be married.
I thought I found that recently. But years of being together have shown me how painfully slowly developments can and will (or will not) happen if only one person wants them and the other is afraid to move or to act.
I need to talk about this. I know talking about this could cause to hurt the man I Love, but I need to talk about it. Writing this Blog...writing these things (about these topics), was the one thing that truly made me happy.
He also needs to talk about it. No one wants to be a spectacle, but we all experience similar situations and I for one have had to set up certain safety nets for me because of having previously been in so many abusive/neglectful relationships, starting as a child. So I KNOW, with certainty- that I cannot simply isolate myself and figure out my own problems and experiences. I need my own inner wisdom as a guide, yes...that I do... and I use it. But I need my extended community of friends and family.
I moved in with my boyfriend in November 2012, so a year and 3 months ago. We had been a couple for about 3 months (physically), but had been developing the relationship consistently for several months prior via email/text/phone and Skype. We knew each other and had a foundation. Years ago we had laid that foundation too and life tore us apart from each other then. We found that a second chance would come to us.
I believed this man was my Twin Flame and my perfect partner, and so I knew with no doubt in my mind whatsoever, that we would work out any and all challenges together. I had a vision of us teaching and guiding friends and new people in our lives...helping them find success on their paths through friendship and through sharing kabbalistic teachings. We were able to touch a few people. In time, it all faded. People in my world felt my Partner was overbearing and demanding. They felt he talked at them and not with them. My kids had the same complaint. He had started out fun but had become something else. He and I bickered over nearly every decision we needed to make for the home and family.
I was experiencing the same feelings of being "spoken at" or controlled or told how to do something...even told that my way of thinking of things was not the right or best way. I felt I had to obey and follow directions. I spent much of my time in denial about what I could see already as a controlling partner. He has such a big gentle heart, that I knew without a doubt it was me bringing this ugly side out of him. I must be overbearing and controlling and he is fighting back!
How could I be wrong about him or about us? I KNOW what I felt...what I feel...what I KNOW to be true! How can I be wrong?
I would spend many more days, nights...weekends of fights...weeks of coldness in the house and around my kids. What was I teaching them now? We had gone from being the couple who were going to show others "The Way"...to being the couple who were not on the marriage track. That was taken off the table early on by my partner. We were not on the "having another baby" track. That was also taken off the table by my partner. We were not managing our money or our physical living environment in a way that produced good results for us to function better. But worst of all...we had become a terrible example for my children. This was not what I had wanted or expected.
My boyfriend loves me in his own way and he will never voluntarily give me up. He will stay and suffer until the end of his life for me. But I cannot do that....which leaves me asking the question, "do I not love people enough?" . I mean...if I am not willing to look at all the bad things and still stay and be loving and give more and try more...am I lacking in love? What does this say about who I am and what kind of heart I have? I feel broken everywhere inside of me. My mind feels tired and confused. My heart is aching for my loss...my lost love. And my soul has gone into Hermit phase...wandering the fields and valleys and hillsides searching for inspiration. I need my soul to come back to my body and stay with me and guide me. I need my Angels to pour merciful energy on me and lift my legs and feet...make me move again. I feel myself dying and I have to keep pulling life back into me.
Is this what a broken heart feels like?
~Lilac
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