JAMIE PROPOSED!

Wow Marriage.  I am pretty amazed at how it feels when the one you love also loves you and shows it.  I am pretty amazed at how it feels different to step toward marriage rather than to live together.  I am pretty amazed that I feel like a completely different person with a completely different outlook right now.  All  because of a ring on my finger.

So what makes engagement so special? 
.....


Hmmm.....

Thinking....

Not really coming up with anything here.  I just know that discussions which once fell short of making me happy, seem to be tackled much easier.  Important decisions are finally being given the gravity and importance they deserved.  Maybe we just weren't ready then but we are now?  And being ready is the first step toward feeling at peace.

Nothing can come between me and him now.  We have allowed the kharma (that needed it's justice) to pass...whomever or whenever it was that needed the repayment...Jamie and me have paid the dues.

We have not set the date but we are working on the when's and hows...

Be happy for us and Share some love today!

Lilac

Still in Shock, after all these years

Interesting day I am having. 
I felt so sick this morning. 
The truth is...after having about 8 hours to digest where my "pain" has been coming from, I realize that a series of events have brought me to my current place of pain.  But as is true with all things, the past does repeat itself and there is really nothing new under the sun. 

I actually truly believe that time is linear, time is an illusion...all that stuff that Einstein talked about.  Basically, that we experience everything at the same time, all at once.  So when people say cliché things like "Forget the past", and "The past is behind you", I actually don't subscribe to that way of thinking.  In reality we magnetize experiences to us, so unless we can truly, deeply and honestly convince our MINDS to believe that something happened and now it will not happen again, then we will likely experience it again...and again...and again...

LESSONS
All of these situations are lessons to teach us to be brave and fight on.  INDIGO people...born round the time I was born, were brought to earth to rebel from the common threads of life.  In doing so we commonly experience that "outsider" feeling...that depression.  The Lifesyles and Circumstances that would make other people very pleased and very happy, do not appeal to me on a deep level.  I mean...yes, I want some things...and I like material stuff...but it's more than that. I believe Robin Williams was Indigo.

TRAUMA
Lessons are learned through a series of situations...traumas...turmoil...loss.  Lessons always come with a price.  But they are needed for soul growth. 
Today I woke up unable to feel well.  I won't get into the symptoms.  Let's just say my body was riddled with them- everything from aches and pains to headache and eye tension to nausea, vomiting and more unpleasantries of the gastric nature. 

REALIZATION
Then about an hour ago I remembered a conversation that took place in the last 24 hours.  It was something that had upset me but I decided to 'STUFF" it waaaaaaaaay down.  But when it creeped up into my current thoughts a short time ago, I did a quick Medical Search under my Tufts Medical Page list of medical illnesses.  I researched "Depression".  I know I am depressed...I have been diagnosed and started a course of treatment.  Deep down I am AGAINST medicines so I conveniently let the prescription lapse and have not had a medical plan to see the Counselor.  I am like an alcoholic who has fallen off the wagon, so to speak.  I am a Depressed person who has stopped treating the depression.

CHANGES
So many changes lately...have shaken my core.  I feel insecure and still moving forward but just barely.  So many changes making me feel weakened, and disempowered.  I am truly feeling tired, drained and exhausted.  But today I was physically sick.  So I knew something else had happened.  It was more than the constant fights with my teen daughter.  It was more than the changes in my new home environment.  It was more than adapting to new Job pressures.  No...it was something else.

TRIGGERS
If you have never heard of a "trigger"...well, first of all I would be very surprised!  But secondly, you may not be sure what exactly a trigger is or how it works.  I like to think of trigger as that flick of the finger against a chain of stacked Dominos.  Once you knock the first stone into the second stone, it begins to rapidly affect the others until, in a matter of seconds, all are fallen from their upright place.  I say it like this because there is something about that "reaction" which is so instantaneous and so crippling that it wipes out everything in it's path.  Apply the concept now to an emotional experience. The trigger in my case was a word.  The word was followed by an explanation of it's meaning.  In a moment I had made a deep emotional connection with this word and how it had affected me 16 years ago...10 years ago...7 years ago....4 years ago...3 years ago...etc, etc.  I saw many moments flash before my eyes.  I hid my sad feeling.  I hid it fast.  But it did not stay down for long.

AWAKENING
Awakening is a spiritual concept that describes a point where the Spirit comes alive to new understandings or beliefs.  I have had a few awakenings in my 40 years.  But this morning I awoke feeling awful.  I slept poorly.  I had awaken in the middle of the night and snacked...a habit I had broken many, many years ago and here I was poking around my kitchen at 2am.  I overslept through the alarm.  I felt groggy and moody and sad.  Then came some more intense physical symptoms that rendered me unable to get dressed because I had to deal with the disruptive symptoms.  Then the inevitable dragging myself to my job because I had no choice but to go.  So how was this a spiritual awakening?  8 hours later...I understood what had just happened to me.  I LITERALLY had a PTSD experience. PTSD is a condition most commonly associated with Post War Vets who cannot forget the terrible things they experienced while oversees.  But sometimes, those of us who have never been to war in another country, have PTSD too.  We have it because the war was on the homefront...literally.  I am referring to Intimate Violence, Family Violence, Child Abuse, Domestic Abuse, neglect.  It saddens me to say....this is me.  This is what I have been through and these are the wounds.  These are the re-awakening moments.

MOVING ON
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the most logical way to improve if you suffer with this as I do.  I have not seen my Counselor in a while, but now I see how that was a mistake.  Unless I can discuss these situations as they come up, I am left struggling my way through them and attempting to TRY and behave differently than I did in the past.  But PROGRAMMING is the great tool of the CONTROLLERS.  What and who controls?  Lots of things.  It could be a church(Cult).  It could be Parents or a spouse or even the kids!  In my case...each one that I mentioned have played a role in contributing to my PTSD and Depression.  But realizing it, recognizing it, identifying it and calling it out by it's name...Well THAT is taking back the power.

NOW
So now...living in the now moment...I can actually breathe for the first time without struggling today.  How POWERFUL is our mind!  How powerful?  We MANIFEST all the time.  That starts with the thoughts...which become the things...which make up our lives.  Think Well.

AngelMarie

Still trying to Create the Romance

Happy February 10th!  I am excited to be back to blogging again.  Some time and space opened up for me and I grabbed it.  Let me tell you a bit of how my past year has been...say 2014ish?  Most of us probably had a similar experience with the year 2014.  Basically it sucked...and we are now trying to dig ourselves out of mounds of snow so we might have a closer look at 2015.  Am I right?

During the past 12 months, leading up to present time, I have worked for three different companies, traveled the East Coast for work and also for fun, and came very close to an actual marriage proposal!  Yay me!  Sorry...didn't actually happen. I also approached two different men to see if they were my Bio Dad.  Struck out there too.  I auditioned for a fabulous Choir....didn't make it!  Got fire for the first time ever!  Started a Business with a friend 3 states away.  Learned how to give Angel Readings.  Heard from my deceased brother through a medium.  Helped my kids get to the next year of school...saw the oldest start Jr. High and go to first school dance (gulp)!  Broke up with boyfriend, nearly moved home to Mom's...but didn't.  Stayed with boyfriend, helping him select engagement ring and got hopes up that we would FINALLY say I DO...and, you guessed it...that didn't happen.  I saw boyfriend struggle through a major bout of serious illness and helped him through it.  That is tough!  Then, recently I told the universe I wanted a Mentor, not a job...and the Universe gave me Linda.

That about sums up the year.

So January 2015, I started with a bang and invested in my Psychic abilities by getting trained in Angel Card Reading.  I was already doing it, but this gave me new ways and it was amazing!  I began to take my skills and interests in my "magic" hobby, more seriously.  I got my children their own decks and learned how to protect myself.  In 2014, I lost many "friends", and I gained many more.  I feel I have come to understand how important it is to truly LOVE ONESELF and take our self seriously but take our ego lightly.  It's a very thin line that divides the soul and the ego.  But our idea of our "Self" is usually connected to the Ego more than the Spirit or Soul.  The Soul is definitely an expression of self, but only when we allow that part of us that is seeking for the Highest good of all to emerge.

TRUE LOVE.  I started writing about LOVE, Twin Flames and True Love in January 2012.  At that time, I had become Divinely Inspired to write about it and teach about it.  Now it is three full years later, and I am finally back writing new Entries in this Blog.  This all started at the emergence of my Twin Flame Journey.  And that journey would probably never have happened had I not read the book, The Secret.  And I probably would not have read the book if I were not driven by a deep inner search for understanding and connection to something bigger than what we experience with the 5 senses.  True love should increase our curiosity, decrease our unhappiness and heighten our awareness.  True Love (romantic love), should usher in the hope of fresh starts and then as that start moves into new stages and phases, each one should draw us closer to the Heart Center and to our Divine Lover.

Even people with NO LOVE INTEREST, no lover...can find this and then magnetize to themselves their One True Twin or Soul Mate.  Some people may not believe these type of bonds exist.  For those of us who do, we realize how magical it can be when we see the embodiment of our soul's desires in the form of another person and we can have a human experience of joy and pleasure with them.  It is so rare these days for Soul Mates and Twin Flames to be able to come together. Those of us who find them must believe we are worthy and that we were meant for happiness and Love.

2015 is fast shaping up to be a dynamic year for Lovers.  I am enjoying the feelings of Love from the people around me and enjoying the people I keep meeting who are so in love with one another.  More importantly, the Love we express toward our neighbors, strangers, and our fellow man in general is a priceless gift.  Love is FREE...so GIVE GENEROUSLY.

Lilac

True Love is always there

So many years ago that I can barely remember now how many, I stumbled across a bit of archaic literature in a library.  Decades later (literally), I would recall that it was Plato and the book I was reading was about Plato's Theory on love and the concept of the Split-Aparts.  I was in high school then...about 14 or 15 years old I suppose.  I had a boyfriend.  He was the first boyfriend I had...or would have had...or whatever you say in these tenses.  I loved him...or I think I loved him.  It is funny because looking back on these things I just see the end of the relationship, and I cannot understand what I was so drawn to with him.  It's difficult with first love...teen love.  When we are still not sure who we are and what we think.  How can it be possible to decide who we love?  We don't even love ourselves at that age.

Going back further to being aged 10 or thereabouts, I have deeper, wiser, fonder memories of love. In this point of time, it was imaginary love.  THAT is the really good kind...where you fantasize about what you want.  Back then I spend a lot of time "in my own head".  I find myself doing that now that I am older too.  Particularly over the last few years and more recently, last few months.  I feel happier when I am "imagining" what I love, instead of out trying to find it in another person.  In these instances, love is timeless and perfect and meets all of my needs.  In this vision...this reality I create in my mind, I am not being selfish when I ask and receive what I need.  It's completely reasonable for me to have what I desire.

The idea of Split Apart Souls, which is essentially what Plato was theorizing, are points within his overall theory of love.  I happen to be In-Love with the idea of Love and all the possibilities that Love brings.  I find Romance to be the main wish I have.  I have always wanted a romance...someone to sweep me off my feet and take me places.  I would make him happy just by being there and he would make me happy by desiring me.  I suppose there is more to it than that.  I also need to feel powerful, independent and supported but not held down.  And my partner needs to know they are valued, respected and wanted.  I just wonder, if romance can be a part of what we commonly accept as Love.  In society, we go from romance to love to marriage...or at lease we did for the better part of the last century.  It seems that now we go from like to hooking up to getting left.  I don't see a lot of happy outcomes lately.

Even without many happy outcomes, I still believe in the Perfect Romance of Two Lovers in Love.  I see it in the moments and glimpses I am afforded...when I meet a couple and give them a tour of a townhouse.  I see them walking hand in hand innocently and think back to the many times when I was in that love-bubble with a boyfriend.  It's so hard to get older and lose hopeful feelings about love.  It is at this stage of life that I have learned to turn to the many other places where love can be found, where love MUST be found.  There we can drink form the well and fill ourselves so the love levels are high!  These places are with our Aging loved ones or our pets...or our children.  Occasionally we are inspired by acts of love and generosity we see outside in the world.  We need to see it more and it needs to happen more!  Love for our fellow man fills us.

So you see, I have come to understand that LOVE and ROMANCE are not the same things and they do not spring from the same well. Romance is an experience of love with a special person.  But Love is everywhere and in everything...but most importantly inside of each of us.  When we learn to harness it, use it, share it, feel it, appreciate it...we can continuously experience it...and without lack!  Now romance is another story...perhaps stories are good.

For example, I never hear stories about romance.  Do you?  No one ever tells me any.  Sometimes we joke about it as if it is unimportant to be romanced. I have always thought that was a pity.  I always want to be romanced.  Romance is a state of mind!  It takes work and practice to become effective at romance.  I am searching for a life of romance.  Love is amazing...and it is true.  But I hope for more.

Lilac